Parenting is a bitch.

I have become completely too intuned to my families bodies. And now anything that is slightly wrong must mean something in seriously wrong right?! No, not right... I never knew how much stress and anxiety and lost sleep would go into worrying about my kids health.. Now if you know me at all you know that I have anxiety about sickness and disease. My husband had to pretty much ban me from webmd because I was convinced we were all going to die. But, now I am stuck in this weird place where I am wondering how much to worry. My oldest has been in kindergarten for about 3 months now without any problem. Now I realize I can expect a certain amount of sickness and colds because she is around so many other kids. But she has started having a problem with her belly, and it has caused her to have two accidents in the last week, and I mean #2 accidents. And it has been devastating to her because she has never once had an accident even when she was potty training. So what do I do? Take her to the doctor? Or just assume it's a stomach bug that's catching her off guard? My biggest worry is that she is going to have an accident at school and that would cause her so much embarrassment. I wish I had a magic doctor that I kept in my closet so I could ask all these questions.. Now I am going to worry myself sick and not sleep for the next three nights. So I guess what I am trying to say is parenting is a bitch and I feel so confused.

Confessions of a mad woman

So let me start out by saying that I am completely aware that I am crazy, and that is is my own fault. I also realize that I probably need professional help, and I maybe 99% of my problems are made up in my own head. That being said I think I may be right on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.. It is no secret that I have always had issues with my body. I don't think there has been a single day of my adult life that I have looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. Child birth was not kind to me and I definitely did not "snap back" after. But I cannot place all the blame on my pregnancies because I actually came out of them thinner than I went into them. But, I can say without a doubt that after having my children something changed in my head. I was surrounded by women who seemed to have no problem snapping back to 120 pounds after child birth. And I couldn't understand why I was still so damn fat. So when my second daughter was about a year old I decided I was going to get serious and loose some weight. It the span of about a year I lost a little over 40 pounds and was feeling really good..at least at first.. Then a time came where that 40 pounds didn't seem like enough and all I was seeing was a fatty in the mirror again. Ever since then my self image has gone downhill big time. I really think that I am starting to become depressed over it. I have all these conflicting messages in my head. One is telling me that curvy is beautiful, and that I should embrace my body for what it is and be happy. Other ones are saying that I am ugly and fat and awful.. Most days all I can see when I look in the mirror is my horrible flaws. I have acne, I have stretch marks, I have cellulite, I am too short and too fat and my haircut sucks and the list goes on and on. I can honestly say that I have become a recluse, I have a horrible fear of leaving the house because I think people are looking at me with disgust. I am so scared that people look at me and see the same things that I see in myself. And for the life of me I cannot bring myself to go shopping anymore, when it used to be one of my favorite things. And worst of all I have stopped eating most of the day. I was anorexic in high school and I can see the same habits and patterns being picked up again, but I am powerless to stop it. I can very easily go a whole day off of two pieces of toast and a diet coke. I am aware this is so unhealthy but I cant stand the guilt I get if I eat anything fatty. It's a battle I am afraid I am going to be fighting for the rest of my life. Now, I know what most people would think after reading and please dont freak out on me. This was just an easy place to talk about this. My husband is aware of this problem and we are working to fix it. I have an appointment with a doctor next week to see if I can get back on wellbutrin to help with the anxiety issues. I know millions of women are dealing with this same problem, and I realize that I am a lot better off than most, and while I would like to blame society and the media for all my problems, I cant. I am really not sure anyone but me is responsible for this mess.