Parenting is a bitch.

I have become completely too intuned to my families bodies. And now anything that is slightly wrong must mean something in seriously wrong right?! No, not right... I never knew how much stress and anxiety and lost sleep would go into worrying about my kids health.. Now if you know me at all you know that I have anxiety about sickness and disease. My husband had to pretty much ban me from webmd because I was convinced we were all going to die. But, now I am stuck in this weird place where I am wondering how much to worry. My oldest has been in kindergarten for about 3 months now without any problem. Now I realize I can expect a certain amount of sickness and colds because she is around so many other kids. But she has started having a problem with her belly, and it has caused her to have two accidents in the last week, and I mean #2 accidents. And it has been devastating to her because she has never once had an accident even when she was potty training. So what do I do? Take her to the doctor? Or just assume it's a stomach bug that's catching her off guard? My biggest worry is that she is going to have an accident at school and that would cause her so much embarrassment. I wish I had a magic doctor that I kept in my closet so I could ask all these questions.. Now I am going to worry myself sick and not sleep for the next three nights. So I guess what I am trying to say is parenting is a bitch and I feel so confused.

Confessions of a mad woman

So let me start out by saying that I am completely aware that I am crazy, and that is is my own fault. I also realize that I probably need professional help, and I maybe 99% of my problems are made up in my own head. That being said I think I may be right on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.. It is no secret that I have always had issues with my body. I don't think there has been a single day of my adult life that I have looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. Child birth was not kind to me and I definitely did not "snap back" after. But I cannot place all the blame on my pregnancies because I actually came out of them thinner than I went into them. But, I can say without a doubt that after having my children something changed in my head. I was surrounded by women who seemed to have no problem snapping back to 120 pounds after child birth. And I couldn't understand why I was still so damn fat. So when my second daughter was about a year old I decided I was going to get serious and loose some weight. It the span of about a year I lost a little over 40 pounds and was feeling really good..at least at first.. Then a time came where that 40 pounds didn't seem like enough and all I was seeing was a fatty in the mirror again. Ever since then my self image has gone downhill big time. I really think that I am starting to become depressed over it. I have all these conflicting messages in my head. One is telling me that curvy is beautiful, and that I should embrace my body for what it is and be happy. Other ones are saying that I am ugly and fat and awful.. Most days all I can see when I look in the mirror is my horrible flaws. I have acne, I have stretch marks, I have cellulite, I am too short and too fat and my haircut sucks and the list goes on and on. I can honestly say that I have become a recluse, I have a horrible fear of leaving the house because I think people are looking at me with disgust. I am so scared that people look at me and see the same things that I see in myself. And for the life of me I cannot bring myself to go shopping anymore, when it used to be one of my favorite things. And worst of all I have stopped eating most of the day. I was anorexic in high school and I can see the same habits and patterns being picked up again, but I am powerless to stop it. I can very easily go a whole day off of two pieces of toast and a diet coke. I am aware this is so unhealthy but I cant stand the guilt I get if I eat anything fatty. It's a battle I am afraid I am going to be fighting for the rest of my life. Now, I know what most people would think after reading and please dont freak out on me. This was just an easy place to talk about this. My husband is aware of this problem and we are working to fix it. I have an appointment with a doctor next week to see if I can get back on wellbutrin to help with the anxiety issues. I know millions of women are dealing with this same problem, and I realize that I am a lot better off than most, and while I would like to blame society and the media for all my problems, I cant. I am really not sure anyone but me is responsible for this mess.

Welcome to the world baby girl

Oh daughter of mine I wish so much for you on this first day. I wish you the courage to hold your head high as you walk. I wish you kindness to make new friends. I wish you the bravery to stand up for yourself. I wish you the stamina to make it through this life change. I wish you the ability to see good in everyone and everything. And I wish you the strength to do big things in life, because I have always known you are going to be wonderful. So run, don't walk into this new adventure knowing that I am always there for you, and that I will love you no matter what you do in life. I hope more than anything that your are always able to keep your bright outlook on life. Remember to always be kind even though people are not always kind back. Remember to keep your sassy style and attitude even if others don't always understand it. You are beautiful baby girl and you are going to go far in this world.

I'm a crafting goddess!!!

Hahahahah, just kidding. I am so not a crafting goddess, but damn if I don't try. It seems that at least once a week I get a wild hair to be crafty, and by the end of a project I always seem horribly disappointed. I so want to be one of those Pinterest moms who has a different project everyday for their kids and they always turn out frame worthy. My projects on the other hand are always wonky and just not quite right. For example, a few weeks ago I came into possession of a huge card bored box and thought to myself that I could make something really cool with my kids out of it. Well, three frustrating hours later we had something that slightly resembled butterfly wings.. Really, really huge butterfly wings. My kids wore them for about 30 seconds before they begged me to take them off because they were too big and painful to wear. I have also been know to crochet a blanket or two in my time. I have never kept any of the blankets I have made because in my sick twisted mind all my friends and family need at least one or two of my crooked misshapen crocheted blankets. I'm actually quite vindictive, muahahahahaha!!! Someday I may even move onto hats, friends and family (and cats) beware!! You could say that I suck at crafts, and you would probably be right.. But it's one of the many ways I show my love. I love the enthusiasm in my kids eyes when I pull out the puff paint and glitter, and the special time I get with them when we do crafts together. I love that in the winter my crocheted blankets keep me warm while I work on them. And that accomplished feeling I get when something is complete.. Like they say, it's the thought that counts.

The times they be a changin'

The next few weeks are going to be some of hardest ones I have ever had. Right now I am wishing I could crawl into bed and not get back out until September. But part of being an adult is facing the bad times with a smile and then crying silently in the bathroom when no one is looking. First off my oldest daughter "Ne-ne" is starting kindergarten on the 12th and honestly I am freaking out. I am not sure when she went from my little baby to grown up little girl but I don't think I am already for it. She couldn't be more excited which has helped my anxiety, but I still can't shake the feeling like I am being abondened. I also have this awful feeling that from now on time with just move faster and faster and before I know it she will be grown up gone and that breaks my heart. Second my youngest "the Fuzz" is starting preschool on Monday. I know she is ready and will do great but what the hell am I going to do without her around?! I am all of a sudden going from having kids full time to having free time and that stresses me out. And it's made me realize I have zero ambishion to do anything but be a mom, so what do I do when they aren't around? I could clean or cook or do anything really but damn if I'm not going to be lonely. Third my mother and father in law are getting ready to leave on a three year mission to Peru. They are going to be a huge part of the new Mormon temple being built there. Now, let me just get it out of the way and say that I am not now nor have I ever been Mormon. And while I understand their devotion to the church I have to admit I AMA little mad about them leaving. They are going away for three years, and will probably not have the opportunity to comehometo visit becaus they would have to pay for the tickets. That's means they will be missing three years of their 8 kids lives and three years of their 31 grand kids life's. We have been spoiled by having them live 5 minutes away and I know my kids are going to have a hard time understanding why no one is there anymore. They are going to be very missed. And last by not least by best friend in the whole wide world is moving to Korea for a year. I have a hard time even talking about it because I cannot imagin my life without her. She has been a huge part of my life since 5th grade and I am going to feel lost without her. She has been my reason for getting out of the house for years and besides my husband she is truly my only friend here anymore. Deep down I have always known she was meant for something so much bigger and better than life here, she has always been the smart one. And I hope that she goes and does wonderful things and changes people's life's and never comes back to this dead end town. I want nothing but the best things for her in life whatever that may be. She is my sister and my friend and I will miss her like crazy. Well, I actually feel better now that I have written all this down. I apoligize for any errors in my spelling or grammar. I was having to write this while sobbing. Thanks for listening.

Jillian Michaels is trying to kill me.

So here I am lying in a sweaty ugly mess on the floor in my bedroom and it dawns on me... Jillian Michaels is trying to kill me... I thought it was a wonderful thing that I can spend under 10 dollars and get a crazy good workout video, and I get home super motivated to workout and get it shape.. But after the first of three workout segments the horrible truth hits me once again. I am out of shape and kickboxing may not have been the best choice.. So a little background on me, about two years ago after my first little girl was born who we will call "The Fuzz" I really got my shit together and lost about 45 pounds. I was feeling super good about my self, and then I got in a bad car accident and cracked my sternum. That was the end of my strict workout schedule. Now two years later I have gained about 12-20 pounds of that back and I am a once again a stumpy giraffe :( I have been trying unsuccessfully for about six moths to find that motivation again. And I figured that since Jillian helped me once she could do it again. But, let me tell you that it is really hard to watch a group of perky buff women dancing around and barley breaking a sweat, when I am about to keel over from exhaustion. Also, I am finding that I am super uncoordinated, like really really uncoordinated. I am embarrassed for my self, and I am thankful that no one can see me flailing around like an uncoordinated Richard Simmons. There was even a point today when I accidentally hit my poor cat with a dumbell. So I guess we are really getting specific Jillian is trying to kill not only me but my poor overweight cat too.. What a bitch... So long story short, I am once again beginning this bullshit workout thing. Now if I could only get my eating under control I will be set :)

Epic cat jump fail - Sail version

Okay, so cats are hilarious. And since I am too tired tonight from trying to navigate the world of cute blog layouts I am just going to post a funny cat video. Now one may ask how many times can one person watch a cat video and still laugh? Well, I have watched in probably 50 times over the last year and it is still funny. So sit back and laugh.